A Gentleman's Marginalia
delikately
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Album
A Gentleman's Marginalia
“an indie-folk, literary concept album exploring the space between historical constraint and modern social anxiety, written as marginal annotations from a victorian gentleman's diary.”
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01
the letter opener
—
the letter opener
mm the lock yielded a lapse in my own resolve
i kept it folded where certainty lives
ink settled hand steadier than the thought behind it
an envelope i trusted to remain private
opened it repented it inscribed the transgression upon the marrow of my name
ah
read it like a blasphemy in a holy tongue
a map i had drawn through another
ah bound in starch silk cravat the iron in my own hand
huh not a blow struck just the winter of my gaze
that renders a vital spirit into a silent portrait upon the wall
he the man she sees a monument of stone
she smelled of duty and the lavender of a funeral pyre
spine rigid eyes averted every curtsy rehearsed
but the ink bled what she couldn't scream
opened it repented it inscribed the transgression upon the marrow of my name
ah
i read it like a blasphemy in a holy tongue
a ledger that proved i was bankrupt within
oh
each sentence a bruise on a spirit i claimed to guard
each mark of the pen a debt my own inheritance can never pay
what is guilt when decorum permits the act
what is memory when it flatters the reader
what is shame if it arrives already tailored
mm
read it like a mirror to the beast i became
my title my name a shroud for someone else's life
ah then loathed the frailty then crushed it
for being soft for being weak
oh i refolded it with the precision of a hangman at rest
ah
placed it behind the hymnals under the floorboards
mm i spread like dusk across the sea
too boundless for the anchor's chain
too deep to name
too deep to name
too deep to name
too deep to name
too deep to name
02
a whole lot of naught
—
a whole lot of naught
i sat like someone who googled how to sit normal
hands? lap? who knows
they offer me wine, i asked, will this help me level up in conversation?
they laughed like i was joking
i wasn't, but that's worse
i am neither gallant nor composed
i simply occupy my chair
like an afterthought
in a secondhand coat
and i'm still deciphering how to be
presentable, intentional, a man worth noticing
i come with instructions yet no one can read them
they say just behave like a gentleman
but what does that mean (mm-hmm)
perhaps that's man enough perhaps it is not
but i have keen wit soft cuffs
and a whole lot of naught
sometimes i try to mimic their vigor
like the chaps in the sporting gazettes
each step a study in composure while
my ankles refuse alliance negotiating a truce
between dignity gravity and boots too tight
she said i was enigmatic something kept at a distance
i had simply lost my train of thought
and forgot where to look
and i'm still deciphering how to be
presentable, intentional, a man worth noticing
i come with instructions yet no one can read them
they say just behave like a gentleman
but what does that mean
perhaps that's man enough perhaps it is not
but i have keen wit soft cuffs
and a whole lot of naught
my father said i'd come into my own
i suspect that was a threat
i matured into a decorative houseplant
that mutters to the wallpaper
when the guests leave
i am a loop that refuses closure
more like a question mark in boots
who bows like a crash test
they say just behave like a gentleman
yet no one explains
perhaps that's man enough perhaps it is not
but i have keen wit soft cuffs
and a whole lot of naught
03
lady-chaperoned
—
lady-chaperoned
the room smelled of varnish and instruction
the mirror stared harder than her aunt did
curtains that eavesdropped
linen stiff with approved distance
mm i've swallowed my own opinions so often
it's basically a skill now
you can minor in knowing better
but you'll major in don't say it
everything was chaperoned, not just her
even my interest came with terms
desire filed down until it passed inspection
like a do-not-disturb arrangement
safe, civil, and quietly corrosive
lady, chaperoned, when am i granted your company alone
teacups steadied, expressions agreed upon
i bowed through the interrogation
eyes traced the room for correction while i
counted the seconds till the carriage comes
mm i moved as though the floor were judging
i sat as if i'd been sketched
by a man who hates what he does for a living
everything was chaperoned, not just her
even my interest came with terms
desire filed down until it passed inspection
like a do-not-disturb arrangement
safe, civil, and quietly corrosive
lady, chaperoned, when am i granted your company alone
i was measured, i was managed, i was made discreet
fine print of propriety
you learn to stand like a monument
chiseled from your own father's expectations
like a sold to the highest bidder exhibit
rigid, stoic, and devastatingly bigoted
we're never left alone, not even one bit
i stood where i was placed and stayed
conversation passed carefully, hand to hand, like sanctioned property
escorted through our own courtship
by three generations' lineage
high-society surveillance
and somewhere between the altar and the carriage
i stopped wondering who was protecting
04
ode to keatsian religion
—
ode to keatsian religion
i left my umbrella in your foyer
the one with the splintered spine and oxford stripes
i'd intended to retrieve it that evening
though i am perplexed by your talk of theoretical fidelity
"respectfully,
the man who is quite unsettled by your devotion"
oh i saw you kneeling on my welcome mat
as if it were a site of great transgression
call it a fever or just a frightening obsession
it's a bit much for a simple acquaintance
i said "this isn't church"
but you bring wine and a confession i can't quite grasp
i find myself uneasy when your face shows up
found your notes
then felt i shouldn't have
if love's a keatsian religion
you're canonized "girl who tried"
your seriousness unexpected
a little concerning
"most sincerely,
the fellow who thinks this has gone far enough"
oh why you're still kneeling on my welcome mat
it's becoming a matter of public gossip
call it courtesy not an opening
i meant it with such earnestness
when i said "this isn't church"
but you still bring wine
and a look i can't quite place
i'll draw the curtains when your face shows up
keats wrote "i could die for you"
but he was a youth of a very different temperament
i merely held the heavy door for a moment
was it gallantry
or simply modern etiquette
regardless it is rather alarming
you look at my barbour jacket
as if it were a holy vestment
oh i am quite skeptical of this devotion
like it's hallowed ground for a lapse in judgment
you've made a legend out of a living man
and i never assigned the syllabus
you said you'd bring candles
but i'd prefer you bring some distance
and perhaps cease these prayers at my door
if this is faith
then i'm an unwilling god
and if keats died for a girl you so insist upon
then perhaps he was just as unsettled as i am
05
wrong in all the right ways
—
wrong in all the right ways
i don't really know how i come off
i think i look fine but people tense
i make observations at the wrong moment
then say nothing which somehow lands worse
sometimes.
i ask too much
i notice too deep
i never learned how to make it easy
first impressions don't favor me
i come off like a problem with missing context
too sharp too strange too hard to place
i enter a room and the mood adjusts
to something between "what's his angle?" and
"he's about to ruin the evening
asking what you actually mean"
a man wrong in all the right ways
i always notice when no one responds
pretend i don't which only compounds it
my voice too level my humour too dry
i remember faces they forget mine
i don't coast like the other men do
i catch on corners think things through
first impressions don't favor me
i come off like a problem with missing context
too sharp too strange too hard to place
i enter a room and the mood adjusts
to something between "what's his angle?" and
"he's about to ruin the evening
asking what you actually mean
a man wrong in all the right ways
i've been told i should relax more
as though that's a choice
and not a temperament
that's already accounted for
first impressions don't favor me
second ones rarely get arranged
attempted charm once clarified my meaning
she said i should loosen up
i ask too much
i notice too deep
i never learned how to make it easy
a man wrong in all the right ways
still
i think i'm mostly decent
in the way marked pages are
creased at the spine
worth keeping
06
mutually assured disinterest
—
mutually assured disinterest
we stared at each other
like two mirrors trying not to reflect
you told me to get lost i asked "which direction?"
then rsvp'd to the same event
i said "don't flatter yourself"
you said "i wouldn't dare"
mm sparks were never subtle
i hate you in a clinically significant way
you hate me too let's not label it
oh i loathe you enough to adjust my tone
mm you loathe me enough to check the time
ha then we split the bill like a cold war
each of us hoping to be the one who pays
we never say what we mean
but we always mean what we say too late
we're not dating
we sat a yard apart as if a wall stood between us
still your eyes fluttered with a sudden haste
every time i spoke your name
i said "try harder"
you said "i'd rather die"
then we nearly said something we both would've regretted
i hate you in a clinically significant way
you hate me too let's not label it
oh i loathe you enough to sit across from you
mm you loathe me enough to glance then look away
ha then we split the bill like a cold war
each pretending we don't want to stay
we never say what we mean
but we always mean what we say too late
yeah we're both pretending to be unbothered
while measuring the cracks in each other's armor
whoever confesses first loses surrender is for cowards
oh espionage of the heart
i hate you and your well-reasoned counterpoints
you hate me too that's quite a compliment
oh we exchanged glares like academic currency
mm matching smirks
ha deadlocked in denial
oh mutually assured disinterest
we never say what we mean
but we always mean what we say too late
give it what title you fancy but
pray on which day must i endure your company once more
07
a gentleman might suppose
—
a gentleman might suppose
i saw the stiffness in your curtsey
mm and the cowardice frankly was mine
i watched you take the arm of every man you couldn't stand
simply to keep the peace in a room this loud
there's a cruelty in seeing you worshipped
by men who wouldn't know the weight of your hand
a gentleman might suppose
you are easier to study than to hold
like a first edition locked behind the glass
that i feared to break the binding of
they speak of romance
as if it were a game you had lost
i caught every signal
and cursed the part where i hesitated
you wanted a moment of truth
and i gave you a bow and a goodnight
had i the nerve i'd have crossed the floor
milady if you intend to leave might i at least walk you out
i saw you look for me and i looked at the ceiling pretending the architecture was more interesting
there's damage done by standing back
with eyes that want to stay but feet that have to go
a gentleman might suppose
you are easier to study than to hold
like a first edition locked behind the glass
that i feared to break the binding of
they speak of romance
as if it were a game you had lost
i caught every signal
and cursed the part where i hesitated
i never stepped forward to say after you milady
i had the ink but held the pen too tight
now i'm just striking out lines of what i should've said another evening wasted
another confession still pending ah
a gentleman might suppose
she's only tragic only in this candlelight
like a commissioned portrait
hung too high for anyone to see the cracks
they speak of her romance
as if it were a public affair
i quote her lines
but never to her face
she wanted less than forever
oh and apparently i was too stiff to move
i've read a thousand endings
and in every one i let her walk away
08
enchantress of numbers
—
enchantress of numbers
ada lovelace, my numbers' enchantress
drawn in spirals, frayed at the edges
from too much logic and not enough sleep
god, you make madness look so chic
mm, they reduced your name to a polite aside
pressed you beneath diagrams
and soft parlor music
but i see you, oh
in the way i stumble over my own wit
in the way i speak too fast
then wish i hadn't said anything
your mind was too much
for their drawing rooms, imagined machines
while wearing a corset
that's punk, if you ask me
not that anyone did
we are not agreeable thinkers
not laughter-at-the-table clever
we interrupt meals with theories
trace systems on the nearest paper
the do-not-disturb-me, i am pursuing a thought kind of clever
mm, they reduced your name to a polite aside
pressed you beneath diagrams
and soft parlor music
mm-hm
but i see you, oh
in the way i stumble over my own wit
in the way i speak too fast
then wish i hadn't said anything
your mind was too much
for their drawing rooms, imagined machines
while wearing a corset
that's punk, if you ask me
not that anyone did
ah, ada, i'd time travel just to sit with you, oh
lose courteously to numbers
eeh-eeh
when you said your mind was more than mortal
i believed you
i believed you because
mine refuses quiet as well
i retain every unspoken notion
as though it were data
trained not to weep, only to compute
as if figures could revise a father's likeness
ah-ah
but i see you, oh
in the way i stumble over my own wit
in the way i speak too fast
then wish i hadn't said anything
your mind was too much
for their drawing rooms, imagined machines
while wearing a corset
that's punk, if you ask me
not that anyone did
but ada, i see you, ooh
i'd time travel just to sit with you, ooh
lose politely in binary
mine won't shut up either
09
clara code
—
clara code
i never / cared for the sport — like the rest (mmhm)
tried once — thought / i’d hold my ground—
the senior said, / “step up, / man — or stay a coward!”
i froze up. / the boy beside me — threw his weight — and they praised him (uh-huh)
suppose i'm not the commanding sort
just the one who thinks before he speaks
and lets the moment slip
"is it still genius if no one lets it be?"
guess i pulled a clara again
receded into the background noise
they let me join, just not too much
clapped as if they were performing a chore
said i should've stayed in my role
so i took my brain out for a walk
and we both agreed to keep it small
less noise, less trouble, less talk
i was told i'd reach my prime at twenty
and all that follows merely the decline (oh, well)
i laughed, then cried, then laughed again
the mirror didn't mind
suppose i'm not the commanding sort
just the one who thinks before he speaks
and lets the moment slip
"is it still genius if no one lets it be?"
guess i pulled a clara again
receded into the background noise
they let me join, just not too much
clapped as if they were performing a chore
said i should've stayed in my role
so i took my brain out for a walk
and we both agreed to keep it small
less noise, less trouble, less talk
oh, is it still genius if no one lets it be
i think i'd thrive in a silent film
or a scene that never aired
they favored it that i held my tongue
yet scorned me for daring a word
i used to temper my sharper edges
now i just keep them in the drawer
tuck my grievances and witticisms
no one comprehends
guess i pulled a clara again
receded into almost something
they let me play, aye, just enough
to say they "gave me a chance"
they spoke of my "potential"
but not the sort that leaves a mark
so i took my mind out for a stroll
and we had a word
then just... didn't turn back
10
postscript from kraków
—
postscript from kraków
i've read books about love, courting
austen, brontë, and the likes hoping
women would like me enough to keep the conversation going
before it finds a way out
my ideal companion is most likely in a convent
or lost in a translation of baudelaire
i'm kafka's letter
a longing with no return address
write me back
from somewhere east of certainty
from kraków, or anywhere earnestly
write me back
from the far side of the sea
love me as fanny loved her keats
loyal to a man whose very breath was already a goodbye
if life is a novel, mine is all prologue
stuck in the preface and the tedious footnotes
i want a love that's clumsy, fierce, and raw
not polished till it's flawless, flawed in awe
my ideal companion is most likely in a convent
or lost in a translation of baudelaire
i'm kafka's letter
a longing with no return address
write me back
from somewhere east of certainty
from kraków, or anywhere earnestly
write me back
from the far side of the sea
love me as fanny loved her keats
loyal to a man whose very breath was already a goodbye
googled "how to court"
tried the eye contact thing
held every door till my arms grew weary
even dropped my silver coin once, nothing
no slow motion, no soundtrack
just me, extra in the background
holding someone else's purse
while they kiss the plotline goodbye
write me back
from somewhere east of certainty
from kraków, or anywhere earnestly
write me back
if you ever felt the same way
i'd write you back, mean every word
i'll love you like keats loved his fanny
with the fever of a man whose very breath was already a goodbye
i'm still courting, reading books about love
still kafka's envelope, unstamped
but i'm folding it, sealing it
leaving space for a name