XIV - Midday Ennui

written by delikately

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LYRICS

Birthday Girl

by delikately

it’s my birthday again what a thrill the balloons deflate before they rise do i scare them or do i repel hard to tell same thing oh well i’m the queen of a party that’s already done party of one my destiny happy birthday to me happy birthday to the girl no one sees no clap no confetti falls put on a hat felt like a clown i’m alone no one’s here just me and my imaginary friend guess i’ll eat this cake alone again happy birthday to me just me just me my imaginary friend and i are the only ones here “why so serious?” it teases then sighs i shrug it’s a skill keeping tears inside i’m the life of the party where life’s overrun pity party the joke’s on me happy birthday to me happy birthday to the girl no one sees no clap no confetti falls put on a hat felt like a clown i’m alone no one’s here just me and my imaginary friend guess i’ll eat this cake alone again happy birthday to me just me just me another year same cake no taste frosting melts all go to waste another year same cake same me twenty-six candles drip like tears yeah i’d blow it out but what’s the point i made a wish but the stars were late mm-hmm happy birthday to me happy birthday to the girl no one sees no one sees folded my arms like a party trick no one cares no one cares but hey it’s all good just a shadow at her own party the balloons all sigh like they’re over it tarpaulin’s sagging like my self-esteem happy birthday to me just me just me

Mostly Cloudy

by delikately

i checked the sky this morning — blue-ish gray forecast says “you’re fine,” but hey, who knows my coffee spills like tiny tidal waves again oh well each drop a prophecy it won’t disclose forecast calls for mild dread low-pressure system in my head what’s the weather inside of you? it’s mostly cloudy with scattered thoughts a little sun, umbrella up a sprinkle of doubt where i connect the dots i brace for storms though skies are blue the radar says it’s all in my head pressure in my chest no chance of rest mm-hmm mostly cloudy in my head ha… ha… ha… my umbrella’s in the car but it’s parked three blocks from where i stand again oh well i count the cracks in sidewalks each one a map of where i’ve been and gone i’m fine, i’m fine, but i can’t quite land forecast calls for mild dread low-pressure system in my head what’s the weather inside of you? it’s mostly cloudy with scattered thoughts a little sun, umbrella up a sprinkle of doubt where i connect the dots i brace for storms though skies are blue the radar says it’s all in my head pressure in my chest no chance of rest mm-hmm mostly cloudy in my head ha… ha… ha… somewhere between drizzle and downpour where the puddles reflect what i ignore half a rainbow tries to break through do i run for cover or stay lukewarm there’s a sixty percent chance i’ll be okay but who’s really predicting the rest of the day? mm-hmm it’s mostly cloudy with scattered thoughts a little sun, umbrella up a sprinkle of doubt where i connect the dots i brace for storms though skies are blue the radar says it’s all in my head pressure in my chest no chance of rest mm-hmm mostly cloudy in my head ha… ha… ha… they say clear skies are a sign of peace but it’s the stillness that terrifies me…

I’m Tripping

by delikately

i ran scenarios through my mind they all crash every time graceful’s not my style i stammer backwards, i make it worse but you laugh anyway for kindness’ sake i’m lost in moments unaware i’m tripping over you my shoelaces tied but words get tangled in tripwire desires every hi feels like a test every bye leaves me a mess i practice in mirrors i fail every time my tongue’s doing hurdles my heart’s on the line i wrote a confession letter burned it the same night ashes looked better than my thoughts in daylight you asked me the time, i gave you my number what’s wrong with me let me disappear i’m lost in moments till you’re suddenly there i’m tripping over you my shoelaces tied but words get tangled in tripwire desires every hi feels like a test every bye leaves me a mess i practice in mirrors i fail every time my tongue’s doing hurdles my heart’s on the line it’s quantum crush it’s a paradox thing where i want to be close but i pull every string you’re the schrödinger’s cat in my heart’s little box both alive and untouchable i’m tripping over you it’s all i can do a war zone in my chest, not quite precise every move’s a mess every hi is a risk i can’t take falling wasn’t the plan but i’m halfway through yeah, falling was a joke till it sounded true uh-huh, i’m tripping i’m tripping over you

Expiration Date

by delikately

found a half-full carton of milk it blinked at me from the fridge light leftovers multiplying like proof i’ve been here too long how long was i gone how long was i gone i can’t read it, can’t see it at all the expiration date printed too small has it gone bad or is it me, myself, and i spoiled by things i forgot to be guess i’ll drink it and gamble it all time curdles slowly when you don’t keep track a little sour, but i’ll come back plants on the sill, leaves curling in shame i water them with promises i never maintain the shower drain’s a tangled diary of hair each strand a memory of who’s not there how long was i gone how long was i gone i can’t read it, can’t see it at all the expiration date printed too small has it gone bad or is it me, myself, and i spoiled by things i forgot to be guess i’ll drink it and gamble it all time curdles slowly when you don’t keep track a little sour, but i’ll come back what’s one more day what’s one more year mold grows slow, it’s a kind of art green lace creeping, taking heart the shelf of my mind’s caving in i tried to read it, thought, yeah, that tracks the expiration date printed too small but both have gone bad, me, myself, and i spoiled by things i forgot to be i’ll drink it and gamble it all time curdles slowly when you don’t keep track a little sour, but i’ll always come back

Everything’s Peachy

by delikately

i slept through my alarm again my plants are halfway dead but they’re still pretending like they might pull through we’ve got that in common how’s my glow how’s the mask i’m living in oh yeah everything’s peachy sticky sweet never needy i’m fine i’m fine i’m totally fine fake it till you fake it again grinning like i’ve got a plan tell me is it normal to laugh while you cry the houseplants are thriving i’m not they don’t overthink they just photosynthesize a lot i bought a yoga mat it’s still in the bag guess i’m flexible in theory but in practice i sag how’s my glow how’s the mask i’m living in oh yeah everything’s peachy sticky sweet never needy i’m fine i’m fine i’m totally fine fake it till you fake it again grinning like i’ve got a plan tell me is it normal to laugh while you cry yup, i’m a houseplant in a hurricane feigning sane my roots don’t hold my soil’s too thin water me won’t you? i’m wilting again but the sun keeps shining it’s such a tease i smile back i aim to please oh yeah everything’s peachy sticky sweet never weepy smile wide keep the lie it’s fine until it’s fine again fed my sour mood a sugar-coated line balanced on a tightrope catch me juggling joy and the things i don’t know i’m fine i’m fine i’m fine laughing at the void like a friend

Mostly Cloudy

by delikately

i keep finding socks i don’t remember owning in places i don’t remember leaving them one sock on the bed the other vanished into thin air i swear i’m haunted by a poltergeist who just doesn’t care is there a sock dimension some kind of black hole or do they run away sick of my soles i’m not sure if i’m losing it or if i just never had it to begin with one by one they disappear leaving me with existential fear i blame the dryer i blame myself yeah guess i’m doomed where do my socks even go i’m starting to think i’m living in a giant laundry basket a sock waiting to be matched left holding one that’s threadbare and peeled but the pairs never meet it’s a tragic love story of mismatched defeat is there a sock dimension some kind of black hole or do they run away sick of my soles i’m not sure if i’m losing it or if i just never had it to begin with one by one they disappear leaving me with existential fear i blame the dryer i blame myself yeah guess i’m doomed where the hell do my socks even go are they running away do they party all night with the missing remotes do they dream of freedom of better floors tired of my feet my endless chores or are they plotting a rebellion unseen in the land of lint where the socks convene i’m not sure if i’m losing it or if i just never had it to begin with one by one they disappear leaving me with existential fear i blame the dryer i blame myself yeah guess i’m doomed where the hell do my socks even go they’ll turn up somewhere everything always does i think 7. McDreamy I bought a new pair of binoculars today the old ones were all blurry your blinds still wide open third floor, far right I watch your shadow cross the room at night you’ll never see me standing there smiling like I don’t care hiding in the shadows (shh…) peeking through blinds tracing the lines your face in the glass I promise I’m not deranged I’m just passing the time with you in my mind your life seems so dreamy my own McDreamy only in my mind (in my mind…..) the barista said your name it made my day I whispered it all night like it was mine do you ever feel like someone’s watching or am I just a smudge in your periphery (ah…) I’m the breeze you feel but can’t find always two steps behind hiding in the crowd (shh…) peeking through blinds tracing the lines your face in the glass I promise I’m not deranged I’m just passing the time with you in my mind your life seems so dreamy my own McDreamy oh, you never really leave my mind (ah…) if I leave a note on your car would it go too far —or not far enough? I swear I’m not that kind of girl but I could be for your world yeah, I could be just say the word… in the meantime, I’ll be… peeking through blinds you’re closing the lights and I can’t tell if I should breathe or hide I made a world out of nothing much just you, and the thought of you it’s messed up, I know so I stay by the window rewinding little make-believe scenes calling it love just to pass the time you’ll never know, but… I don’t really mind

Last Picked

by delikately

they say it’s teams of two but we’re thirty-three i’m the odd one out the one everyone forgot i’m the extra chair at a table for two the backup plan that no one ever knew tried to text but the words fell flat typed a joke then i deleted that i left a voicemail for myself again hi it’s me hope you’re good my friend yeah i’m the invisible friend talking to the air again you won’t notice when i go by then you’ll never know invisible that’s how it stays i laugh it off but it still weighs been called odd yeah maybe so guess i learned to keep it low oh at lunch i sit in the shadows of trees they don’t mind the awkward company i wore my fanciest socks today still nobody asked me to stay conversations that drift off eventually oh damn i’m the template in your photo’s frame always present but never named i didn’t see you there they all say but i was right here breathing air yeah i’m the invisible friend talking to the air again you won’t notice when i go by then you’ll never know invisible that’s how it stays i laugh it off but it still weighs been called odd yeah maybe so guess i learned to keep it low-key oh i speak too much then i don’t speak at all guess i’m last picked again it’s fine i’m not bitter at all just pushed aside standing against the wall eyes on the floor but my mind’s on a boat sailing nowhere fast yeah i’m the invisible friend and maybe that’s how i transcend you won’t notice and that’s alright by then i’ll be long gone invisible it’s not so bad at least it’s quiet where i’m at oh guess that’s it left a message no reply might delete it later