Vi - AUGUST

written by delikately

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august knows

by delikately

i found her at her rarest form saw her crack once back in july but she swears it was the heat and i was just some passerby shoots down small talk with a look dares you — go on, she’ll double it back she left before i could ask her to stay doesn’t fall in love she commits to the bit burns the bridge while you’re still shaking hands oh august knows. she just knows she’s got rules for the rules you don’t get to play won’t touch a drink she didn’t pour herself says it’s a quirk — you know it’s something else and if you think you’re the first to notice she’ll let you, she’ll break your heart and write it down i told her she looked good she laughed in my face, all teeth like it’s part of the plan but her voice cracked — that gave it away she left before i could ask her to stay doesn’t fall in love she commits to the bit burns the bridge while you’re still shaking hands oh august knows. she just knows she’s got rules for the rules you don’t get to play won’t touch a drink she didn’t pour herself says it’s a quirk — you know it’s something else if you think you could ever touch the real thing she’ll burn the house herself before you ever get close and you swear there’s a heart in there, but she resents it turns every crush into a hit-and-run like she’s waiting for the next fool to let her maybe i wanted to be the exception maybe i’m lying but that was never the point you don’t fix what’s already braced for impact she don’t fall — she lets things crash yeah august knows. she knows i’ve got it bad she’ll draw the gun unload then hand the jammed one (swore i’d let her) if you blink first — you’re the fool she’ll outstay her welcome just to prove you wrong and i guess she’ll kill this song before i can

in layman's terms

by delikately

i started baking cookies i’d never eat because standing by the oven felt less sad than standing by the door telling myself you’ll show up like it’s physics not me just being blatantly desperate i’ve got a habit of making things look accidental when i mean them with my whole stupid heart i guess it’s easier to admit it’s a coincidence than to say i want it now not on tuesday you’d come running over here at two a.m., ruining your plans breaking every rule you made blaming the weather, the traffic so i’d have to say, you didn’t have to (even though i wanted you to) to put it in layman’s terms i wanted you to want me like you just happened to miss me not because i asked just because i’m the hypocrite with a timeline of wanting too much and saying too little a vault of euphemisms so i don’t have to say i want you outright the cookies burned twenty minutes ago but i’m still here, like some weirdo holding a tray of wishful thinking pretending it’s about dessert i guess it’s easier to shrug it off than to say i want it now not on tuesday you’d come running over here at 2 a.m., ruining your plans breaking every rule you made blaming the weather, the traffic so i’d have to say, you didn’t have to (even though i wanted you to) to put it in layman’s terms i wanted you to want me like you just happened to miss me not because i asked just god, i don’t know anymore maybe we all want that someone to show up just because they can’t help it and maybe we all bake cookies we’ll never eat burn them on purpose just to have a reason to leave the door cracked open maybe you can’t explain this shit in layman’s terms i want the kind of missing that doesn’t ask permission that finds your car keys in your hand before you realize you’re halfway to my street i want the kind of missing that ruins your sleep the kind you don’t tell your friends about because even you know how dumb it sounds well, to put it in layman’s terms i just wanted you here watch something dumb on the couch while you ran your fingers through my hair like you plan on staying

god, i'm such an idiot

by delikately

uh-huh i let you linger past the point it made sense pretended the mess was deliberate i had this idea you’d see the better parts of me but some mistakes don’t grow a backbone they just sit in your stomach waiting for the next bad idea to feel familiar and it hit me (yeah) i’ve been sharpening lines you don’t even hear polishing my armor for a fight you’re not in god i’m such an idiot for thinking you’d read between the lines for thinking i could outplay you like you were a move i could predict for playing at control when i never had it i kept the game running long after you stopped playing hmm i waited an hour then texted nvm said i was kidding you said okay and that was it i honed it all the joke the shrug the casual cruelty like i didn’t mean every word like i wasn’t low-key wanting you to care it’s pathetic (yeah) standing in the wreck of a game you never played and i never won god i’m such an idiot for thinking you’d read between the lines for thinking i could outplay you like you were a move i could predict for playing at control when i never had it i kept the game running long after you stopped playing yeah thought i could stay untouched thinking i’d slip by unscarred i called it a phase so i could sleep sometimes i still catch myself defending you like it absolves me from wanting you back but there’s a fine line between brave and afraid and i crossed it with both hands up god i’m such an idiot setting the fire and calling it strategy breaking my own heart just to say i beat you to it there’s no point system in losing like this but i’ll keep the score anyway god i’m such an idiot and i’d probably do it again

almost

by delikately

we both stayed late two desks apart you writing something on a notepad me pretending i had something better to do than notice the way you chewed your lip like you’re afraid of your own words i wonder if you knew how bad i wanted to cross that stupid space between us or if you wanted me to or if we both lost the nerve at the same exact time oh i almost said but you didn’t ask and i didn’t want to stay if it meant making you choose i almost said but maybe you needed me to be the thing you could lose i watched you shrink yourself sleeves over your hands like a kid who learned early not to take up space eyes fixed on a playlist you weren’t really listening to like if you kept moving you’d outrun how lonely it is to always look fine they always say timing’s a bastard but i think it’s us i kept thinking i’d say it when you looked up but you never did so i never did oh i almost said but you didn’t ask and i didn’t want to stay if it meant making you choose i almost said but maybe you needed me to be the thing you could lose i could’ve been the one but you needed no one made it clear real wasn’t what you were after i could’ve crossed the line but you drew it to stop me so i didn’t and you didn’t ask me to oh i almost said but what’s the point when the answer’s sitting in the way someone avoids your eyes and that’s the story isn’t it not the moments we had but the ones we left untouched it’s easy to pretend when nothing’s on the line harder to admit i was waiting for a sign i almost said and i’ve been living around it ever since

forty-five

by delikately

i’ve never written a song before. wasn’t really my thing especially not at this age. but… here it is. mm, would’ve sworn i was past this kind of feeling but this is what it looks like when a man like me falls for someone who probably just thinks he’s being kind. maybe even a little paternal the kind of man you trust to walk you to your car. not the kind you write songs about and sure as hell not the kind you expect one from. oh, god forbid she ever finds out i stay up thinking about her fix my collar, pass the café she once called the best in the city just in case she’s there. i’m not in love not yet. forty-five should be too late to feel this kind of thing but it’s headed there. fast. thought i was past all that. one day, i watched her talk with her hands. moves like the words won’t come out right unless her hands help say them. bet she doesn’t realize it — and i pretend not to notice. it’d be easier if she caught me staring save me the trouble of trying to put it into words. of course, the moment never comes which is probably for the best. oh, god forbid she ever finds out i stay up thinking about her fix my collar, pass the café she once called the best in the city just in case she’s there. i’m not in love not yet. forty-five should be too late to feel this kind of thing but it’s headed there. fast. what am i supposed to do with that? hell, i’d risk it i’d ruin it all just to see what kind of man i still am when i’m not hiding behind decades of pretending not needing anyone. just to be near her a little longer, before she disappears back into a world where i’m just a decent conversation with a man old enough to know better. oh, god forbid she ever finds out i put on that old record the one she said she liked now i can’t hear a single line without picturing her mouth. yeah....still don’t talk to her. too much pride. too old to be falling for a maybe. what would i even say? “hey. you, uh... make the days feel different.” “ah—to hell with this.”

somehow this

by delikately

you get that look in your eyes when we pass a game store like the kid in you sprinted to the window i pretend not to smile when you talk like maybe wonder isn't dead after all i still wait for the moment you pull away just to remind myself this is real mm i didn’t fall in love with you all at once just in increments in the way you said hello? every time something didn’t work the way it usually should under that 24-hour store glow me trailing behind shaking my head thinking goddamn this is how it starts i’ve never been good at letting things be easy but somehow this is you always walk half a step ahead like you’re not used to being waited for i matched your pace without thinking didn’t say a word just noticed you survived something without turning cruel i still wait for the moment you pull away just to confirm i didn’t dream it mm i didn’t fall in love with you all at once just in increments in the way you said hello? every time something didn’t work the way it usually should under that 24-hour store glow me trailing behind shaking my head thinking goddamn this is how it starts and i don’t like how it usually ends i didn’t think i’d make it this far without fucking it up some nights i hated how safe it felt like any second the floor might swallow me whole but you look at me the same way you do right before saying something that makes me forget who i was before all this and that’s enough mhm that’s enough mm i didn’t fall in love with you all at once it hit the second you stopped trying the way you moved like you’d always been there like i’d been pushing uphill for years and only just realized the road had leveled i caught myself smiling thinking goddamn so this is what it’s like i’ve never been good at letting things be easy but this somehow this is

universe refuses

by delikately

hmm... mmm... the sun came up like it always does i left the house just to remember what my legs were for i used to think growing up meant knowing what to do now it just means spending more to feel less every “i’m okay” doesn’t mean anything it’s what you say so no one asks twice am i stuck like this ‘cause it’s who i am or did i build this version out of habits that never loved me back mm-hmm... i keep asking for a sign like i’d even know what to do with one thought if the universe gave a shit it would show up instead i get hours and hours of nothing and somehow... i take that personally yeah... i want to care again i want to stop mistaking being numb for being healed i wish i still believed in something god or at least the idea of mornings maybe he hears me and just doesn't answer yeah or maybe i stopped believing he ever listened in the first place did you stay out of it because you trusted me to handle it or because you saw what i was doing and didn’t care enough to stop me mm-hmm... i keep asking for a sign like i’d even know what to do with one thought if the universe gave a shit it would show up instead i get hours and hours of nothing and somehow... i take that personally yeah... i can’t even blame you if i saw someone walk into the fire that many times i’d stop pulling them out too hmm yeah... oh i just need some kind of omen maybe the signs were there maybe i was too busy writing my own disaster to read them and i hate that i keep saying the universe refuses to interfere when the truth is i waited for help instead of helping myself first

i'm not going anywhere

by delikately

it’s the season where everything’s tinted memories, skin, photographs, regrets the sun still burns but things are starting to cool yeah you think you’ve got time but the light’s already changing you think you’ve got time but the light’s already changing (oh) even now i’ll prove it to you even when i don’t say it right when we forget how we started i’m the weight that steadies you (yeah) i see you even when you asked me to leave not reply to my texts — especially then i’m not going anywhere, baby people make plans but don’t follow through you’re staring at your calendar wondering where the hell the time went yeah you think you’ve got time but the light’s already changing (oh) even now i’ll prove it to you even when i don’t say it right when we forget how we started i’m the weight that steadies you (yeah) i see you even when you asked me to leave not reply to my texts — especially then i’m not going anywhere, baby so yeah i’ll prove it to you even when i don’t say it right when we forget how we started i’m the weight that steadies you (yeah) i’ll keep choosing you not because i’m a saint but because you’re mine even when you swear you’re not i’m not going anywhere, baby