I MISS YOU. I LOVED YOU. I'M SORRY.

written by delikately

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i don't know how long i'll stay better

by delikately

mm made the bed like you’d be back folded your side out of habit yeah phone face-down still charging overnight like i’m waiting but i’m not i’m not better but i’m trying i swear i am, i swear i— if you’re gonna come back do it now come back while i’m still like this washed my hair ate something sort of please come back while i’m still like this before i say something i can’t un-say if you’re gonna love me do it now ah bought oat milk like maybe i’d start showing up for myself you said i seemed lighter yeah i’ve been skipping dinner and conversations it’s easier to disappear than say i need room to fall apart without being asked to clean it up i’m not better but i’m trying i swear i am, i swear i— if you’re gonna come back do it now come back while i still believe you could before i make a joke and ruin it please come back while i’m still like this before i start drinking again if you’re gonna love me don’t wait for me to ask okay, you want honesty? i don’t know how long this version of me lasts this “doing great” this “sleeping through the night” this “so glad we talked” i’ve been good lately like suspiciously good like i’m stalling like i know what’s coming like i’m about to fall apart again so if you’re coming back now’s the time come back while i still make sense while i still remember how to hold myself together in front of you before i remember how bad it got before i go quiet again before i rewrite it in my head and swear i made the whole thing up i don’t know how long i’ll stay better so if you’re gonna love me do it now

you were good to me

by delikately

i picked fights on days you looked happy turned the volume down just to hear you sigh then asked if i was mad said “why do you always think that?” and went quiet for an hour mm yeah i made you guess and then got mad when you got it wrong every time you were good to me in ways i didn’t think i deserved so i made it hard every day dared you to go just to prove you wouldn’t stay just so i could say “see? i knew it” took the long way home couldn’t risk seeing you but hated knowing i wouldn’t started talking like you weren’t there made the room colder so i wouldn’t have to say i was scared you still might want me mm yeah i forgot what started it just to see if you’d still stay you were good to me in ways i didn’t think i deserved and i made it harder pushed you past your limit every time you stayed when you shouldn’t have until you didn’t i needed to prove you had a breaking point so i chipped at it little things, at first then bigger then you stopped calling and i acted surprised you were kind i made that your weakness i made it hard so you would leave you should’ve hated me sooner but you waited and i used it and i hate that you let me it wasn’t love i didn’t believe in it was myself and i made sure you’d never try again

girl who has no chill

by delikately

ah you were up again, past 3 am losing sleep over a deadline you made up still thinking the perfect font could make the burnout worth it “it’s fine. it’s fine.” but i saw it. every unsent post every time you told no one that you were drowning in your own potential mm-mm you don’t know it, but you saved me with your mess, with your method you think you’re just surviving but i swear it’s artistry you don’t know it, but you saved me by staying anyway oh i read every version you never posted every “maybe this is cringe” that you almost deleted i watched you remake heartbreak like it was a new track to drop i watched you unravel—perfectly choked on your own subtlety called it “just a draft” when it was nothing short of holy mm-mm you don’t know it, but you saved me with your breakdowns in sonnet form and those choruses that never resolve you think you’re too much, or maybe not enough but you’re just right—right where you are oh didn’t ask to feel this real just started talking like we knew each other ah didn’t ask to feel this much but here you are and i’m still… here mm-mm you don’t know it, but you saved me every time you said, “maybe this doesn’t matter” and kept going anyway you thought no one was listening but i was and you made it easier to stay ah guess we weren’t real but none of this ever was still, i’ll be here

hear me out

by delikately

hey don’t hang up yet this won’t take long i know what you're thinking but it’s not like before pre-chorus i know, i know, i know you don’t wanna hear from me just— let me say this chorus i wouldn’t turn good things into fights or jokes. at least, not always i listen now i shut up, sometimes it’s sad how proud i am of that i’m not asking you to come back i know why you left i’m just saying if you did... you might not regret it now verse 2 wait—just hear me out, okay? i’m not her anymore not the girl who made you guess what version she’d be that night pre-chorus i know, i know, i know what you’re thinking but it’s not like before chorus i wouldn’t turn good things into fights or jokes. at least, not always i listen now i shut up, sometimes it’s sad how proud i am of that i’m not asking you to come back i know why you left i’m just saying if you did... you might not regret it bridge i won’t pretend i don’t know why you left i do i just wanted you to know you didn’t imagine who i could’ve been but if you ever if by some chance we ever— i could love you better now chorus you don’t have to say anything i know you won’t but if you saw me now you wouldn’t recognize me and that’s what terrifies me because i’d still recognize you the way you looked, right before you gave up when i made it impossible to stay i’m still learning but now i’m not learning for you i’m doing it without hoping it brings you back outro but if you ever if by some chance we ever— i could love you better now i promise

i wish you fucked it up

by delikately

you held doors like it was still 1954 said “text me when you’re home” like it was second nature i told myself you must be hiding something but you weren’t, you were just done you could’ve at least cheated i wish you fucked it up or kissed someone else at least then i’d know where the hell to put the blame you left me whole in a room that still remembers how it felt to be chosen how do i explain hurting this much when nothing blew up? because now i can’t hate you and i really, really want to you were the kind of good that makes people say “i hope you find someone better” i needed you to be an asshole instead you whispered, “it’s not what i want but i think it’s what we need” you could’ve at least been mean i wish you said “go to hell” or “i never loved you” but you just stood there hands in your pockets said “take care of yourself, okay?” how dare you leave kindly and still be someone i’d recommend because now i can’t hate you and i really, really want to you asked if i needed anything right after saying it was over what kind of person does that? what kind of person stays kind? i wish you’d made it easier given me a reason to forget you but you held me like you meant it right before you let go how do you walk away without making a mess? without breaking something? and now i’ve got nothing left to throw just dates i don’t want to remember and someone i wish had done something unforgivable i can’t hate you and god, i wanted to